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What better time to write about finding inner-peace than during the Holidays? Here is my story. I hope that I can touch at least one person in a positive way with this post...

I remember all too well the horrible feeling I had when it actually sunk in that our son Nick was severely disabled. It took awhile....a few months after we received the 'diagnoses'. I don't know if I was in denial, or if it's just human nature to protect our psyche by suppressing our feelings as much as possible at first so that we can cope with the day-to-day care of our loved one with Special Needs.

Once our daily routine was down pat and I wasn't constantly worried that I had forgotten to give him one of his many medications, I had time to think about our new way of life. Having time to think isn't always a good thing. Your mind can run rampant with awful thoughts and way too many questions. It was at this point that the disbelief of the whole situation hit me like a freight train. Why doesn't anyone warn you that such tragedies can happen in our lives? I can remember just sitting on the floor in Nick's room and crying, as if doing so might possibly change his life.

This was 14 years ago, and it wasn't until just recently that I realized that I, out of anyone, should have realized that such things can happen. My own Dad was hurt on the job, and is paralyzed from the waist down. It has happened in my life. But not to my child....it is so completely different when something happens to your own child. And I must say, I give my mom and dad so much credit for coping as well has they have. Obviously, they have had a positive attitude towards my dad's situation or it wouldn't have taken me so long to realize that my own dad has Special Needs. Funny how I had never looked at him in that light before.

Once I had my time to think too much, 14 years ago, the quest to find all the 'answers' began. What therapies does he need. What special doctors should we be visiting on a regular basis. Will he ever walk? Will he talk? Will he....and on it goes. And to top off the fact that Nick has Cerebral Palsy, Cortical Vision Impairment and is cognitively very delayed, we also had the issue of kidney failure to deal with. So therein lies another question - how long will it be before we need to start screening for a kidney donor?

So many questions. And to my dismay, no concrete answers. Ever. And I do mean never, ever. We've been to all the specialists. I've scoured the Internet and joined support groups. He may walk someday. He may talk someday. He had a kidney transplant at age 5, but no one can tell us how long his body will reap the benefits. Guess what? Doctors really don't know everything. So there I was, still plagued with questions, unable to truly be at peace with the whole situation.

Years go by, and to my pleasant surprise, I realize that at some point I have found peace without even trying. Was it time that helped heal the pain? Did someone say something that impacted me in a positive way? I honestly don't know. But while reading a message posted on a support group by a woman that asked 'how do you deal with the frustration when dealing with our special kids', I was able to sit and put into words how I now feel. Other people said things like they pray, or take a deep breath or cry. Perhaps I didn't quite answer her question, but here was my reply:

"For me, I had to find peace with our son's diagnoses and all the issues that arise from them. I had to FULLY accept him, as he is, and not worry about what he will ultimately be able to do for himself. I had to stop asking those 'questions', realize that no one, not even all the doctors, would be able to tell me specifically what the 'final outcome' would be. I had to stop expecting too much and being disappointed, and learn to just live life. His cerebral palsy and cognitive abilities and health issues had to no longer be first and foremost in our lives. I used to join every support group, research, research, research...I would drive myself absolutely crazy with it all. Now I'm just happy that he's happy. It took me years and years to come to peace with it...he's 14 now. But it did come, and my inner peace radiates to him, and he's a happier boy for it, too. It helps him to accept himself for who he is...."

I am in no way saying that we've stopped trying to help Nick become all that he can become. I've just stopped dwelling on everything and have learned to prioritize things as best as one can be expected to. It's the only way I can remain sane, at least for a little while. Nor am I saying that I don't still have my struggles. After all, I am only human.

As for my reply to this woman's cry for help, I touched at least one person (though not the woman asking for help). This other woman thanked me for my words, and said how she needed to hear that she wasn't the only one with these feelings. It is her response that prompted me to write this particular blog...in hopes that it reaches someone else that needs to hear that 'you are not the only one'. And with any luck, this person will find their own inner peace and will be able to go on with life. It truly is bliss, and that Special Needs person in your life does just what the 'label' implies: makes it Special.

Happy Holiday's Everyone!